Bad joke thread...not necessarily dirty

[Pinguin]

This is one of my favorites and it came up on Comedy Central's website today:

Lack of Vision

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said, "But you know Doc, I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm done!" A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife and said, "Your husband's test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night."
Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"

[netwrangler]

Well, I certainly qualify to tell old-guy jokes.

A husband gingerly opened a subject with his wife of almost fifty years.
"Dear, your hearing is going. I'm sure you need a hearing aid. I know you doubt this. I want to prove it too you."

"OK, my love," his wife said. "I'm willing to go along with your proof."

The husband put his wife in a chair facing into a corner of the living room. He walked to the opposite corner and said, "Can you hear me dear?" There was no response.

He moved to the middle of the room and said again, "Can you hear me, dear?" Again, there was no response.

Finally, he moved to stand directly behind her chair and asked, "CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW, DEAR?"

She replied, "Yes, for the third time!"

[dadooh27]

How the Fight Started...


I rear-ended a car this morning.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the
car. .
And you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get
funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, which one are you then?'

. . . And that's when the fight started

[aiki14]

What's the difference between buying a lottery ticket and buying a penny stock?
In the first case, you help finance the local community swimming pool
In the second case, you help finance the stock promoters' home pool.

Some Definitions:

STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.
BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.

BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell Broke.

BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.

BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.

MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation.

SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. "The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this month.").

COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.

YAK: What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call.

[Luc1Grunt]

Yak!!!! He, he.

[Gzapper]

whats the differences between a sea otter and a walrus?

the belt buckle goes tigher on grandma when she enters the ZOOberance!! :mrgreen: